January 06, 2006
The weight of thoughtsI was at Library@Orchard yesterday. You know mothers... they tend to call at the most untimely of time. Just as I stepped into the library main shelf section, my dear mother called. I was whispering into the phone to tell my mum I would not be home for dinner.
A librarian, or what they now call Library Etiquette Guardian (which other country has such job titles for someone who works in the library?!?!) came to me and told me handphones are not allowed in the library.
Ok. Sorry. The last time I went to the library, which really wasn't that long ago, the library gave its visitors a minute or so to at least say "Ok, I can't talk now. Call you back" in hushed tone. After a short trip to China, I come back to find these Etiquette Guardians put in place to reinforce absolute silence in the library. How lovely.
It's nothing personal. Really. Of course I understand I need to keep quiet in the library. On my occasional trips to the library, I even try not to sneeze or cough too loudly in the library. I'm that considerate. Ya?
But, yesterday was not just any normal day. Yesterday was the third day in the first week of the school year. A school year that no longer has any relevance to me. And if you ask me, I say it's really harder than I thought.
From waking up at 6.30am and working with children, students, sending them off in the school vans, shared sighs of relief with colleagues, lunch and lament, lesson planning, marking and finally, saying goodbyes to whoever's left in the staff room at 4pm... to the kind of life I'm living now.
I really don't want to complain. And I'm really not. But, the truth is... I miss my work and I miss working with a lot of people from the school. You know how you miss doing something that once gave you great sense of satisfaction... it's like, I used to spend time so meaningfully. A day's energy all spent within one morning. And look at what time I wake up nowadays. By the time I wake up, my friends in the school would have finished half their workday! Surprise, surprise, I find that so totally not shiok.
Anyway, my point was, this is getting harder than I thought. Girl told me how a number of people have been asking her how am I doing and that they miss me too. But, they are in a group. I'm alone, at home. Just me and my Discovery Channel. And I miss all these individual persons, little characteristic of each one of them. And all these amount to a lot of things to miss.
It depresses me. So, I felt very, very personal after the Guardian of the library told me off - my already minimal contact with other people. From then till I got to meet girl for dinner, I felt smallest among the hordes of shoppers in Orchard.
It's the first time I ever felt this way in all my experience of unemployment. Suddenly, I'm the only non-productive person here.
xxx
I miss...~ CJ's sun-shinely smile
~ Zie's cackle
~ Cara's half-hidden knowing smile
~ Hwee Ping's anxiety and self-cursing humor
~ Gin's smile when she realises she's been tricked
~ Nath's calming voice and her baby-in-tummy
~ Juleha's sense of humor
~ Thila's roll of her big eyes
~ Nisha's straight-faced jokes
~ Sha's jovial, bubbly disposition
~ Nis's teasing
~ calling Delly 'Delly Darling'
~ Jas's tired but friendly smile
~ Florence's quiet support and our funny recounts about our kids
~ Bee Lay's look of desperation and occasional laughter within
~ Karen's Hokkien dialogue with me
~ Kay's squatting down beside my workdesk, complaining of someone or her day and her frowns and occasional F-up face
I miss all the smiles from everyone. The smile that said 'I know it's been a tough day, but hang in there! You're not alone.'
Not anymore. Now, I'm alone. Just me and my Discovery Channel.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:19